Funny FW:8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be> >> > delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:> > You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance> >> > at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.> >> > If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body,> >> > I will remove them.> >> >

Rule Three:> > I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your> >> > age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling> >> > off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all> >> > of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open> >> > minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:> >> > You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants> >> > ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that> >> > your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date> >> > with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your> >> > trousers securely in place to your waist.> >> >

Rule Four:> >> > I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,> >> > sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you.> >> > Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex,> >> > I am the barrier, and I will kill you.> >> >

Rule Five:> > In order for us to get to know each other,> >> > we should talk about sports, politics,> >> > and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.> >> > The only information I require from you is an indication of> >> > when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,> >> > and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."> >> >

Rule Six:> > I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,> >> > with many opportunities to date other girls.> >> > This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.> >> > Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,> >> > you will continue to date her until she is finished with you.> >> > If you make her cry, I will make you cry.> >> >

Rule Seven:> > As you stand in my front hallway,> >> > waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by,> >> > do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie,> >> > you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup,> >> > a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.> >> > Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,> >> > like changing the oil in my car?> >> >

Rule Eight:> > The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:> >> > Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer> >> > than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,> >> > policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is> >> > darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,> >> > or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm> >> > enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,> >> > midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls,> >> > a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.> >> > Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided;> >> > movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.> >> > Old folks homes are better.> >> >

by: W. Bruce Cameron